I Don’t Seek Relationships. I Seek Love!
“You Got It Big Dog” Homies Winston-Salem, 2024
I don’t seek relationships. I seek love!
Let me explain what I mean by that. I’ve been fortunate, and unfortunate enough to have never been in a serious, long-term relationship. This is not something I planned, and transparently is something that in the past I have strongly sought after.
Over time, I’ve grown grateful for the absence of a committed, intimate partnership. The independence that has shaped much of my 20s has been the driving force behind my growth into a more fully developed—and, I believe, better—version of myself.
I see myself with more clarity than ever before—and I carry deep pride in the person I’ve grown into.
I recently told my friend, 'I feel very blessed for who I am and how I’ve changed over the years. I still love and care for the guy I was in college and before. In many ways, I think I expressed parts of who I am today back then—but in a different form. It feels as though I was out of focus, but the image was still there. Over time, that image has become clearer and clearer, allowing me to see myself as a more focused and holistic version of who I believe I am.’
I’m also thankful that when I do find a partner—whether they’re someone new or someone I already know—they’ll get to be with this version of me.
The version that has been battered, bruised, and so deeply loved by those in his life that he now understands what gives him anxiety—and what brings him joy. He knows how to care for himself, emotionally and physically. And above all, he strives to ensure that each new sunrise greets a man better than the one the sun set on the night before.
I am not saying those who have been in long-term relationships do not understand these same things about themselves.
I simply recognize that I don’t have to go through certain struggles while in a relationship—struggles that would ask someone else to carry the weight of me at my worst. I’ve seen too many people forced to play the role of parent to their partner. I’ve watched others bear the full burden of maintaining a relationship alone. And I’ve seen people stay together long after they both knew it was over. Then there are those who jump from one relationship to the next, never giving themselves the space to figure out who they are on their own.
Conversely, some people only become a better version of themselves through being in a relationship. And I fully believe that I, too, will continue to grow when—and if—I experience a long-term partnership.
I often say that couples either grow together or grow apart. Those who grow together tend to thrive in relationships grounded in history, mutual respect, and deep trust. Those who grow apart, on the other hand, often fill that growing space with resentment.
All this to say, I seek love, not relationships.
I have felt so incredibly loved in my life. While I have been independent, I have never felt lonely. I am lucky.
I seek out friendships, experiences, and environments that are willing and able to love me as I am.
I spent the first half of my 20s guilting myself into pursuing relationships, convinced I was “behind” in life—as if there were a right way to live, or a correct pace to achieve certain life “goals.”
As my therapist says, living in a “should” mindset inherently comes with a lot of guilt. I needed to shift to a “what do I want” mindset, which acts to nullify sources of potential guilt that can arise while you are making large life decisions.
PSA… it is more difficult than you expect to change that mindset!
I promise if you do, you’ll begin to live a life more aligned with your actual desires, and start feeling more fulfilled. The work I’ve done—and continue to do—to rewire how I approach major life decisions has allowed me to pursue my passions and find emotional fulfillment through the love I receive in my friendships.
Those friends who know and see me deeply, and have never hesitated from pushing me to pursue the things that I want most for myself.
My friend Chanice said to me early on in our friendship, “Oh yeah! I have crushes on all my friends. I feel like you should have crushes on all the people you’re friends with!”
And I couldn’t agree more.
Once I stopped living for society‘s expectations of me. I started living for myself.
I find so much value in deep, meaningful, intimate relationships, but I also found that equally as fulfilling are those relationships that I have developed with my friends. Those people who choose to surround me, include me in their lives, and share an ounce of their existence and attention with me.
While messaging with my friend Hannah after a glorious weekend with friends in Charleston, I wrote this, “I really believe a huge portion of the shift I have felt within myself the last two years, is mostly due to the people and relationships with others that I’ve pursued. Especially someone like you, someone who has always encouraged, supported, and seen the aspects of myself that give me confidence. Being seen in the way I do by you, helps me see myself better.”
My friendships are the most important relationships in my life. Each one serves as a mirror, helping me understand who I’ve become and reflect on my growth—allowing me to feel confident, loved, and able to thrive in this life I’m unbelievably lucky to live.
Simply put, I am a very happy man!
I do believe that when I move to my next city, I may be in a mindset more open to seeking out a meaningful, intimate relationship. But it will be done on my own terms—not society’s.
For now, I am content. Content to continue seeking love where it already exists. Content to search for places and people with the capacity to give and receive love. Content to remain in pursuit of that perfectly clear version of who I am. Content to explore this big, beautiful world—sometimes solo, sometimes with others. Content to draw from all the experiences I’ve had in relationships, intimate or not, to inform what I’ll seek in a partner—when I decide that “should” has become a “want.”
A want free of guilt, ushering me into the next phase of my life.
Date: May 24th, 2025
